Will this weather ever warm up?

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Will this weather ever warm up?  It seems to me it has been a tough winter.  When it was cold, it seemed to be a damp cold.  When the sky was dark, it seemed terribly dark.

One of my former supervisors used to tell me that ‘sometimes it gets darkest before dawn’.  I often repeat that line to myself because when I go through some difficulty, it seems like it will never end.  Someone special in my life is a newcomer, and tells me there is no extreme change of seasons in his tropical country.

Having immigrated to Toronto, the change of seasons is new for him.  A new snowfall can be so beautiful; but conversely, the long dark days can seem so tiresome.  Will the darkness ever end? I am writing this on a rare warm morning, with the sun shining through my window and nothing is frozen outside: The sky is bright; the wind has calmed; and I am reminded me of new spring beginnings.  The fair weather is definitely having an effect on my point of view today.

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I spent this past season listening to my friends go through the roller coaster of settlement; I experienced personal challenges in my friendships and love-life; and homophobia from strangers in the most inopportune places when my guard was down.  I have questioned my identity, my goals, my creativity, my play-time and my rest; and yet again, I learned that everything has its season.  Indeed, things may be looking a little clearer today.

Maybe my perspective has changed for the better because I was willing to dance in the fire, so to speak.  It can seem so tumultuous to figure out where I fit; and to where the people in my life equally question where they fit in their respective milieus.  For example, a good friend of mine told me it is most difficult for him to work through the chronic homophobia from family members; some members who are often in the home, and some who keep consistent contact.  It seems to me it may hurt more when a family member challenges my sexuality because that person triggers my questions around my identity; my sense of roots and strong cultural foreparents; my memories of relatives and whom I attributed the most importance in my formative years.

Now in my adulthood, I often speak about the value of confidence and having a sense of humour.  Just as the previous generations of my settlement families worked hard and were strong people, I am most proud of the sense of humour in my family.  I am proud of my own sense of humour.  I am proud of my ability to laugh at my patterns, and laugh at others in the playful –and quirky— ways.  When I am most challenged by homophobia –and not only the randomness of strangers’ prejudices—I laugh.  Yes, of course I work through the initial sting, silence, and cognitive dissonance… but I laugh.

I have this one deep silly voice I make, as I channel some of my own multicultural clans, and poke fun at the patterns of those who challenge my gender and sexual identities.  Sometimes I laugh aloud about it with friends, and sometimes I do it alone; I do not need to leave my home (nor do I always need an audience!) to start into my own stand-up comedy routine.

My sharp humour is my strength and creativity to be more confident; to find peace in that part of my brain where I remind myself of why I have moved and settled in a metropolitan area; creating my own family and circle of friends; building my career and having a sense of community.

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Through my humour, less and less am I challenged by others’ prejudices.  I am finding my strength and valuing my own “Legend of Michael”.  I would rather be remembered by others as ‘that zany, crazy Michael’, than live a life of only-the-safe-notes, boredom, and the mundane.

I would rather wear a bright colour and speak aloud, than feel overlooked and overwhelmed.  I refuse to sit in that part of ‘darkest before dawn’, and remain there: I am making my own dawn happen, and letting the newness of springtime remind me of who I am, and who I truly want to be…who I need to be…to thrive in my own space.

This is my time, and I own it.  Thank goodness the weather helps! My most sincere feedback for my circle around me is keep laughing, keep looking for the sun, and keep believing you can do it: You can make exactly where you are, and where you want to be, your home.

Now is the spring season: Have a gay spring in your step! Be fearless in how you make it time for your own new beginnings.  (By Michael Best to DOSmagazine)