New Wisdom about Letting Go

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There was a time I lost in love.  I went through the whole gamut of loss: Denial (we’ll get back together again), ‘what-if’ing (maybe I should tell him this or that, and we can still ‘be friends’), awfulizing (this is the worst thing ever), anger (“that bastard!”), questioning betrayal (did he dumped me for a woman? How can I compete?), cynicism (now he’ll be someone else’s problem!), vengeance (I’ll sleep with as many people as I want now, and I hope he finds out), withdrawal (a friend’s third voice mail that said “please just pick up and let me know you are alright”).

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And, I loved him; loved him more than life itself (or so I thought, at the time).  I would have done anything for him.  And I did. Anything.  I was afraid of being alone.  Truly alone. I felt unattractive.  I felt like leftovers.  Like damaged goods.  Like a casualty. Like I failed.  A failure.  I wept aloud and from a painful depth when I was alone.  And I was truly alone.  At that time, I recall one person close to my life did not understand my sorrow; could not validate my pain; was a master at negating my emotions and my responses to my loss.  Even guilted me.

Fast forward to Now:  Now, I no longer remember the pain attached to that experience.  Now, I may only think of that guy from time-to-time; a greyed-out whisper of a blurry snapshot.  At times, I had been curious to search-engine his name; check on what he is doing now….and then again, I am not so curious…it was another time; it was another place; I was a different “me”. I was younger, brasher, cockier, and maybe not-as-wise as I am now.  For me, wisdom means accepting where I am right now.  Celebrating a few great things I love about “me”.  Remembering there is a new future even from here; new futures; newer possibilities; better realities; deeper, unimaginable joys.  No longer am I interested in only wanting to mend others’ broken wings; needing to fix another; needing to be the healer; the one who ‘has it together’ for another…because those patterns somehow gave me purpose…but were they peaceful ones?  I have my own purpose now…for peace.  For flow.  For rhythm gentle.  For guiding myself toward the eye of the storm.

In the present, I spend my own time ‘for me’; I make my public time and my private time ‘for me’.  My “me time”…and in fact, it is not time set aside because I am so tired, and I had better book it in. In fact, my “me time” is already booked in; and has been booked in; and will always be booked in first.  Like meal time. Like sleep time.  Like bath time.  My time revolves around my own needs first.  So it makes me selfish? Well, you call it selfish, and I call it self-caring. This is what it has been like growing up for me, always knowing I was not 100% heterosexual:  I never felt good enough.  I felt only worthwhile when I was praised; so I aimed to do everything so could be praised.  I did not know if anyone would ever truly love me, but I would settle for glimpses of ‘love’ and ‘care’.   My faulty instincts were that I could love another man, settling that it would always be challenging because the world was so difficult and unforgiving.  Because the world was so heterosexist.  So heteronormative.  When I took that chance to love another, and my heart was broken, I thought I had ‘lost in love’ and I would ‘never be loved again’; I would never love again; I would never be worthy of unconditional praise.

Now, through deep, meaningful times of being alone “on purpose”; through tireless hours of strong and meaningful work in my community; through hearing my deepest thoughts, and learning from others’ narratives; through taking this current chance of being in love with another man, now I find some peace about love. About being queer.  About diversity.  About my looks, my ways, my idiosyncrasies, my peculiarities, my eccentricity, my movement, my fun-ness, my strengths.  And now, I have no more room for anyone who negates me.  And now, it is just fine.  I am just fine.  And now, I love differently.  In fact, I can honestly say, I love deeper; and I love myself first.  And I love my partner.  And I do.  I love him in a way I would not have been capable of loving him had I not grown; had I not moved forward; had I thought too much again about the ‘love I once lost’.  Now, if I even think of that former love, I wish him well…and now, I recall that I have mostly forgotten about him…Well! Who knew?!  Although I missed him oh-so terribly for what-seemed-like so long.  Now, I realize I actually forgot about him. Now.  Right now.

In the here and now, let me share a clear, colour snapshot of me: I found my own wings.  And they are strong, I love someone for who he is; for and despite his virtues and his faults; for how we learn from one another; and how we teach; and not for how I am supposed to be better for him.  I never knew this kind of love was possible; was even possible for me.  My new future is actually now.  My new possibilities have already unfolded now.  My realities and my deeper, unimaginable joy is now.  And now I know —I truly know— new unimaginable realities are yet to come.  Maybe now I am beginning to learn about wisdom:  I have ‘let go’.  And we get to soar free and together.  And it is good.  It is a good life.

by Michael Best to DOSmagazine